Victorian Meme Machine - Transcriptions

Lloyd's Weekly Newspaper (London, England), Sunday, April 5, 1891

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Title

Lloyd's Weekly Newspaper (London, England), Sunday, April 5, 1891

Scripto

Transcription

<j> <t> AN UNPREMEDITATED DENOUEMENT. </t> Bob Bunkum (actor) : Failure ? I should think it was ? Why, the whole play was ruined ! - Fair Hostess : How was that ? - Bob Bunkum : Why, at the end of the last act a steam pipe burst and hissed me off the stage ! <a> Judy </a> </j>

<j> <t> HARD CASE. </t> A turtle's shell. <a> Judy </a> </j>

<j> <t> LIBERAL OFFER. </t> Doctor : Now, you are to take a table spoonful of this mixture three times a day. - Pat : Och, murther ! sure, docthor, dear, I'll pay ye just the same if ye'll put a tayspoonful wanst a day. <a> Fun </a> </j>

<j> <t>[Untitled]</t> MRS. MUDDLEMEANINGS had her pocket picked the other day by a man who "subtracted her contention" by, somewhat ungallantly, pushing her. <a> Moonshine </a> </j>

<j> <t> WERRY LOIKELY. </t> Broom : Goin' to Australy, are yer ? Wot are yer goin' ter du there ? - Mate : Do the people, o' course. <a> Judy </a> </j>

<j> <t>[Untitled]</t> THE Lady of the Manor : Mr. Lumley has been giving me very bad accounts of you lately, Mr. Smalley ? - Mr. Smalley : Ah, the parson, he be a good sort, but he b'aint like your leddyship, he be slow to see a man's good pints. <a> Ariel </a> </j>

<j> <t> MUST BE VERY COMFORTABLE LINE TO TRAVEL UPON </t> The "Ottoman" railway. <a> Funny Folks </a> </j>

<j> <t> STILTED PROCEDURE. </t> That of the gentleman who is travelling through France and Russia on stilts. <a> Funny Folks </a> </j>

<j> <t>[Untitled]</t> The proper tribunal to settle the case Of a being so flay-grantly wondrous, we feel, Would be - and we make the suggestion with grace - some kind of a sort of a Court A-peel. <a> Moonshine </a> </j>

<j> <t> SOMETHING LIKE A PEELER. </t> "There is a man in Chicago who changes his skin in the month of July every year. He peels off the skin from his arms and legs precisely as if he were taking off gloves or stockings." <a> American Paper </a> </j>

<j> <t> THE HONEST WATCH DOG. </t> Sister : Isn't my new St. Bernard a beauty ? I think "Wagner" would be a good name for him, don't you ? - Brother (who lives a few doors off) : Well - considering how quiet he is at night, hadn't you better call him "offenbark?" <a> Judy </a> </j>

<j> <t> IN THE STALLS. </t> Actress (to Dramatic Critic) : Do you know many actresses ? - He : No, it makes one so prejudiced ; I make it a rule never to speak to them, at least to anyone of note. <a> Ariel </a> </j>

<j> <t> "THE CUT OF HER." </t> Juggins is looking at something out at sea. Scroggins is fondly eyeing a fair form on the esplanade. "Sh-sh-she's a m-m-man --" "A what ? " "A m-m-man--" "Nonsense ! She's nothing of this kind." "F-f-fact ! - a m-m-man-of-war." "Oh-h-h !" <a> Judy </a> </j>

<j> <t> A FACT STRONGER THAN FICTION. </t> Irish Lady Patient (to doctor, about the recent winter) : Ach ! Doctor dear, shure this weather's killed off many an'many who never died before. <a> Moonshine </a> </j>

<j> <t> HE MEANT NOTHING. </t> What did your father say when you told him we were engaged ? - Nothing ! -Nothing ? - Nothing ; his words were purely expletive. <a> Ariel </a> </j>

<j> <t> OH, I SAY ! </t> Barber : You're the baldest man I ever saw, sir. - Bald Man : Yes ; I've been married three times. <a> Judy </a> </j>

<j> <t> THROUGH CLEANSING FIRES. </t> Lady Visitor : I hear you've been very ill, Mrs. Miggleton. What has been the matter ? - Mrs. Miggleton : Lor' bless you, miss, I've a bin mortal bad - laid up three weeks with purity in the side and conjunctions on the lungs. <a> Ariel </a> </j>

<j> <t> INSULT TO INJURY. </t> Bertha : What ! That horrid little Alec Sandiman had the impudence to make you an offer ! What next ? - Clymene : But that wasn't the worst of it, my dear. The nasty little wretch didn't put a stamp on the letter, and i had to pay two pence for it ! <a> Fun </a> </j>

<j> <t> JOKIN'S LATEST </t> The surplus will be anything but a dry subject this year, as it is owing to a steady or (probably) unsteady consumption of drink ! <a> Punch </a> </j>

<j> <t> A LIVING PROOF. </t> " ' The best food for a singer,' says Madame Albani-Gye, ' is the plainest. ' " - 'Echo'. 1st chorus Man : How much yer voice is improved, Bill, since yer did yer month in quod ! - 2nd ditto : Yes, 'Arry, my boy - plain food is a fine thing for the voice. <a> Funny Folks </a> </j>

<j> <t> NOTE-ABLE REMUNERATION. </t> It is everlastingly dinned into our ears that a certain beautiful and favourite soprano gets one hundred pounds a song - or about a sovereign per note. What of that  ? A man is not half a tenor if he is not equal to a five-pound-note now and then. <a> Judy </a> </j>

<j> <t> TRAVELLERS SEE STRANGE THINGS. </t> Rustic : Where ha'ye bin to, Jim ? - Stableman: Oi bun abroad to Bo-long with the guv'nor's orses. Ay, an' I'll tell 'ee strange things, too, Giles. What licked me were to see all the nippers plain' aboot the streets an' all on 'em talkin' French like fun ! - Rustic (quite taken aback) : Lor ! <a> Fun </a> </j>

<j> <t> MY WIFE AND I. </t> Mr. Bull (to the Lord Chancellor) : Well, my lord, Mrs. Bull and I have got on pretty well together until now. But if the law is what you say, I'm a trifle anxious about the future. <a> Punch </a> </j>

<j> <t> ONE POUND NOTES. </t> Probable rate that a fashionable prima donna will charge for a sing in the near future. <a> Punch </a> </j>

<j> <t>[Untitled]</t> CHATHAM having, last week, returned a major it of Liberals to the Town Council, received congratulatory telegrams from Mrs. Gladstone and Sir Andrew Clarke. What Mrs. Gladstone has to do with such matters we do not exactly see ; but we can quite understand the doctor's certificate under the circumstances. <a> Moonshine </a> </j>

<j> <t> TELEPHONIC COMMUNICATION. </t> Husband (off to Paris) : Don't cry, darling. It's too sad to leave you, I Know ! But you can talk to me there just as if we were together - only be careful, as it's expensive ! - Wife : Is it, darling ? Ha-ha-hadn't you better leave me a few blank cheques? <a> Punch </a> </j>

Periodical - Transcription item Item Type Metadata

Periodical Title

Lloyd's Weekly Newspaper

Periodical Frequency

Weekly

Column Title

Jokes of the Day

Gale document number

BC3206275688

Page

7

Year

1891

Date

05/04/1891

Files

Citation

“Lloyd's Weekly Newspaper (London, England), Sunday, April 5, 1891,” Victorian Meme Machine - Transcriptions, accessed July 22, 2018, http://victorianhumour.com/o/items/show/37.

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