Victorian Meme Machine - Transcriptions

Lloyd's Weekly Newspaper (London, England), Sunday, April 12, 1891

Dublin Core

Title

Lloyd's Weekly Newspaper (London, England), Sunday, April 12, 1891

Scripto

Transcription

<j> <t> TRUE SENTIMENT. </t> "I'm writing to Mrs. Montague, Georgie - that pretty lady you used to take to see your pigs. Haven't you some nice message to send her ?" - "Yes, mummie ; give her my love, and say i never look at a little black pig now without thinking of her !" <a> Punch </a> </j>

<j> <t>[Untitled]</t> PEDESTRIAN : Will this road take me to puddleton ? - No, you'll have to walk there. <a> Ariel </a> </j>

<j> <t> BAH ! </t> Phyllis : You look very sheepish - Corydon : I am thinking of ewe. <a> Ariel </a> </j>

<j> <t>[Untitled]</t> [ An Austrian lady has founded an asylum for mothers-in-law. ] No longer need benedicts worry and fret and render their homes like gehenna ; They'll soon Austriacise the old ladies, you bet, And pack them all off to Vienna. <a> Moonshine </a> </j>

<j> <t> LOST ! </t> Hullo, Watson ! What's up ? I say, beastly nuisance ! I've lost my hat and crop in some confounded ditch, and I've lost the hounds into the bargain. - Oh ! I've come off better than that, my boy. I've only lost my horse and a bit of my nose. My Hat's all right. <a> Judy </a> </j>

<j> <t> THE CENSUS ; OR, HUSBAND AND WIFE. </t> Mr. Bull : How shall i put you down, my dear ? - Mrs. Bull : Put me down, indeed ! You won' put me down, sir. You cannot claim a wife as a member of the family ; and I don't know where i shall be in a day or two. <a> Fun </a> </j>

<j> <t> RESULTS OF JACKSONISM. </t> Husband (to Wife) : Isn't it time to be getting home ? - Wife (to Husband) : Which home do you mean ? Your home or my home ? <a> Moonshine </a> </j>

<j> <t>[Untitled]</t> HUNTING NOTES. -Yoicks ! Tally-ho ! Hark away ! FOOTBALL NOTES. - Hands ! A foul ! Ow-w-w (crises of the wounded). ROWING NOTES. - Are you ready ? Go ! Easy. FOXING NOTES. - GO it snobbins ! First bioqu. Time ! CRICKET NOTES. - Play ! Over. How's that. ART NOTES. - The middle distance. Chiaroscuro. Tasty. MUSIC NOTES.- A, B, C, D, E, F, G. DRAMATIC NOTES. - Bravo ! H-s-s-s, Author! <a> Ariel </a> </j>

<j> <t> NOT TWINS AND TRIPLETS. </t> Collector (to mother, who gives up one ticket) : What ! Seven of 'em ? and all under three ? Why I never 'eerd of such a thing ! - Mother : Well, I ain't a-goin' to pay for your iggerance. My 'usband was a widower with three children afore we was married and I was a widow with three ; and we've had one since, and -- [Collector faints.] <a> Judy </a> </j>

<j> <t> A LAWN BLEET</t> Convocation. <a> Judy </a> </j>

<j> <t> A WRECK WE NEVER HEARD OF. </t> A packet of pins to be lost on the Needles. <a> Fun </a> </j>

<j> <t>[Untitled]</t> "SCRATCH a poll, and you'll find a Tartar." These were the words of your own naturalist as the top joint of his right-hand little finger down the cockatoo's mouth was "lost to sigh, to memory dear." <a> Fun </a> </j>

<j> <t>[Untitled]</t> SKORCHER "Sits" on everybody at the club. Somebody asks him reprovingly why he does it. "Because," replies Skorcher, with fiendish effrontery, "there's nothing there softer to sit upon." <a> Fun </a> </j>

<j> <t> A QUEER FILE ! </t> Spokeshave, the carpenter, is so thoroughly determined to keep his household expenditure down to the lowest figure that he regularly files his bills as they come in. <a> Judy </a> </j>

<j> <t> VERY, VERY AMBIGUOUS. </t> His Wife's Mother : Only think! This is the last night we shall all be together. To-morrrow I shall be far from here. Sixty miles away, isn't it, Jane ? - Adolphus (interrupting) : Oh, sixty miles is quite near enough. <a> Ariel </a> </j>

<j> <t> DISCIPLINE. - A SCENE ON PARADE. </t> Officer (sternly) : How is it you are not shaved this morning, Atkins ? - Private Atkins (softly) : The razor, sir, i assure you, is very ---". - Sergeant O'Rafferty (vehemently) : Sh ! Sh ! You mustn't spake whin given' an answer to a question put by an officer. <a> Moonshine </a> </j>

<j> <t> LITTLE SHORT. </t> I can't pay that old account just yet, Mr. Cutaway, but I want a suit this summer, if you can accommodate me. - Tailor : Certainl, sir ; I'll instruct my solicitor to commence to-morrow. <a> Pick-Me-Up </a> </j>

<j> <t>[Untitled]</t> YOUNG WIFE : Tom, darling, you must really be photographed. - Tom : Why ? - Young Wife : Oh ! I want to see you oftener, as you are so seldom at home. <a> Pick-Me-Up </a> </j>

<j> <t> "THE OXFORD MOVEMENT." </t> Not much to choose between this and the Cambridge movement in the last race. <a> Punch </a> </j>

<j> <t> PLACE OF BANISHMENT FOR MISTAKEN PERSONS. </t> The Isle of Mull. <a> Punch </a> </j>

<j> <t> THE SCHOOL BOARD AGAIN. </t> New Buttons : Oh ! if you please, miss, there's a young man called, and he wants to know if you'll take tickets for an orotty torotty ? [He only meant "Oratorio," that's all.] <a> Judy </a> </j>

<j> <t> AN EXCLUSIVE SET. </t> The Royal quadrille at a Court ball. <a> Judy </a> </j>

<j> <t> OFF ! </t> Swell : Good deal of foul air in the room, I fancy, waitaw. - Waiter (slightly deaf) : One fowl, one 'are, sir ? Yessur. Henry vegetables ? <a> Judy </a> </j>

<j> <t> [Untitled]</t> SIR GORDON CUMMING'S present opinion of baccarat is that the game is not worth the scandal. <a> Fun </a> </j>

<j> <t> MILK AND (S)CREAM. </t> Cows give plenty of milk, Simpson ? - Simpson (with sarcasm) : Well, sir, they don't sell it ; they leave me to do that. <a> Fun </a> </j>

<j> <t> THE WORLD'S FAIR AT CHICAGO. </t> Possibly ; but it is a good deal fairer along the Mediterranean. <a> Funny Folk </a> </j>

<j> <t> FROM A FLY-LEAF. </t> "Buzziness first, pleasure after." as the bluebottle said when, after circling three times about the breakfast-table, he lighted on a lump of sugar. <a> Punch </a> </j>

<j> <t> UNEXAMPLED EFFRONTERY. </t> A burglar, suddenly encountering a member of the police force, broke into a cold perspiration under the very once of the active, intelligent officer. <a> Judy </a> </j>

<j> <t>[Untitled]</t> IN future there is to be a monthly return of all the pauper aliens who are landed in Great Britain. Unfortunately, the return ordered is only to the Board of Trade, not to their own countries. <a> Moonshine </a> </j>

<j> <t> ONCKELSTEIN'S BIRTH-RIGHT ? </t> Mr. O. : "I tells you vat. Mrs. O., ve don't vant eferypody to know ve are foreigners, so I puts you, 'Rachael Repecca Leah Onckelstein,' down Scotch ; der eldest tvin, 'Israel Solomon Isaac Onckelstein,' I puts him gown Velsh ; der youngest, 'Myer Lazurus Moses Onckelstein,' I puts down Engklish ; Undt myself, ' Sholomon Elisha Shaycop Levi Onckelstein, I puts down Irish. So dere can't be no chealousy anymore." <a> Funny Folks</a> </j>

<j> <t> VERY SMALL AND EARLY </t> (Arriving at a children's party). - Budding Beauty : But - there's some mistake - mamma told me to say half-past eleven for the brougham --. -Footman : If you please, miss - the carriages is all ordered for half-past nine. - Budding Beauty : What a silly party ! <a> Judy </a> </j>

<j> <t>[Untitled]</t> THE Italian Ambassador to Washington has been recalled in consequence of the lynching at New Orleans. Italy is very angry with Uncle Sam, but she is wise in her wrath ; she takes care not to recall the organ-grinders and ice-cream merchants. <a> Moonshine </a> </j>

<j> <t> SHOW SUNDAY. </t> ["Damned with faint praise."] - Fair Critic : Your picture reminds me of the Royal academy, don't you know ! - Daubeny (delighted). - Why ? - Fair Critic : Because I don't remember ever seeing anything the least like it there. <a> Judy </a> </j>

<j> <t>[Untitled]</t> PICTURE SUNDAY (What out artist has to put up with) :- Fair Damsel (to our artist, who is explaining the beauties of his picture) : Charming ! Charming !But, oh Mr. Fitz-Madder, what a delightful room this would be for a dance - with the musicians in the gallery, and all the easels and pictures and things cleared away ! <a> Punch </a> </j>

<j> <t> RIGHTS. </t> Cissy : Oh, please, papa, I've knocked my shuttlecock over net door's garden wall, and the little boy won't give it me back. - Papa : Indeed ! but I didn't know you had a shuttlecock. - Cissy : Oh, yes, papa ; the little boy next door knocked it over into our garden last week. <a> Fun </a> </j>

Periodical - Transcription item Item Type Metadata

Periodical Title

Lloyd's Weekly Newspaper

Periodical Frequency

Weekly

Column Title

Jokes of the Day

Gale document number

BC3206275770

Page

7

Year

1891

Date

12/04/1891

Files

Citation

“Lloyd's Weekly Newspaper (London, England), Sunday, April 12, 1891,” Victorian Meme Machine - Transcriptions, accessed July 22, 2018, http://victorianhumour.com/o/items/show/38.

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