Victorian Meme Machine - Transcriptions

Lloyd's Weekly Newspaper (London, England), Sunday, May 3, 1891

Dublin Core

Title

Lloyd's Weekly Newspaper (London, England), Sunday, May 3, 1891

Scripto

Transcription

<j> <t> DRESS FOR THE MILLION. </t> For sailors : Surge. For authors : Print. For printer's devils : Old (k)knickerbockers. For advanced ladies : Coats of male. For advanced clergymen : Broad cloth. For soldiers : Wellingtons. For financiers : High stocks. For street musicians : Mufflers. For cricketers : Bowlers. For lawyers : Shifts. For bee-keepers : Bus-bies. <a> Judy </a> </j>

<j> <t>[Untitled]</t> HE (bald) : Really, my dear, your dress is cut ver low ! - She : I put it on to keep your head in countenance. <a> Ariel </a> </j>

<j> <t>[Untitled]</t> THE Charge of Balaclava was magnificent, but it is not to be compared with the charges at a West-end restaurant. <a> Judy </a> </j>

<j> <t>< SELF-DENIAL. /t> Sporting your oak with a "not at home" placard on it. <a> Judy </a> </j>

<j> <t> A SENSITIVE PLANT. </t> A thin-skinned orange. <a> Fun </a> </j>

<j> <t> IN THE FASHION. </t> Are you doing much gardening, Miss Struckoyle ? - No ; not much. You see I have not yet got the proper stockings for such work. - Got what ? - The proper stockings - the rubber garden hose I see advertised in the papers. <a> Funny Cuts </a> </j>

<j> <t>[Untitled]</t> MASTER (to butler) : Gradidge, I shall be in town until the end of the season. - Butler (languidly) : Well, sir, I suppose I shall have to put hup with you. <a> Moonshine </a> </j>

<j> <t>[Untitled]</t> "LEND me you spurs, Jack, will you ?" said one actor to another, "I don't use 'em a second." - "Ah ! I see ; you want to spur of a moment." <a> Judy </a> </j>

<j> <t> A TWO-FOOT RULE. </t> Turn your toes out ! <a> Judy </a> </j>

<j> <t>[Untitled]</t> QUERY : Will Raudolph return, a Boer ? <a> Ariel </a> </j>

<j> <t>[Untitled]</t> THE influenza has come over to us from New York. Another Yankee blow for poor John Bull ! <a> Moonshine </a> </j>

<j> <t> A GOOD OPENING IN THE OIL AND COLOUR BUSINESS </t> The first day of the Royal Academy. <a> Judy </a> </j>

<j> <t>[Untitled]</t> Heard of the latest strike, Jenks ? - No ! What is it ? - Big Ben - twelve. <a> Judy </a> </j>

<j> <t> AMBITION </t> He : Jove ! I'd like to be one ! - She : One what / - He : Census. It embraces seventeen millions of women. <a> Funny cuts </a> </j>

<j> <t> HE SWORE LIKE A TROOPER. </t> Paynter (speaking of his portrait of Sir Blank Dash, rejected for the Academy show) : Everybody says it's a speaking likeness. - Smart : Oh, that is because you've given him such a strong expression. <a> Ariel </a> </j>

<j> <t>[Untitled]</t> "RIGHT forward," said the guard as the train started. - "Left behind," said the passenger who didn't catch it. <a> Judy </a> </j>

<j> <t> A CRITICAL MOMENT. </t> Athletic Artist (to nervous critic) : The last man who was here had the impudence to tell me he didn't like my picture, so I promptly kicked him downstairs ; how do you like it ? <a> Fun </a> </j>

<j> <t> FOR THEY ALL LOVE JACK. </t> Miss Mashington : And can you really tell when a storm is coming ? - Handsome Coastguard : Yes, I am afraid there is one brewing now. My missus is at the window. <a> Ariel </a> </j>

<j> <t>[Untitled]</t> WHAT interest does distance get for lending enchantment to the view ? <a> Judy </a> </j>

<j> <t>[Untitled]</t> Time is an unpopular poet when he writes lines on a lady's brow. <a> Judy </a> </j>

<j> <t>[Untitled]</t> WHEN a man forswears cards, does he keep his oath if he cuts them ? <a> Judy </a> </j>

<j> <t>[Untitled]</t> MR. SOFTLY-YOUNG (concluding a proposal) : And oh ! Miss Annette I beg that at least you will not promise to be a sister to me. - Miss Annette : No, I really won't. What you need most is a mother. <a> Ariel </a> </j>

<j> <t> SKILLFULLY EVADED. </t> She (single, of course) : Even the birds seem to be happier running in couples ! - He (a bachelor, remembering it is Leap year) : Yes, miss, but they are geese, and know no better. <a> Funny Cuts </a> </j>

<j> <t> IBSEN IN BRIXTON. </t> Mrs. Harris : Yes, William, I've thought a deal about it, and I find I'm nothing but your doll and dickeybird, and so I'm going ! <a> Pick-Me-UP </a> </j>

<j> <t> ADVICE GRATIS. </t> Doctor : You are in a very bad way. You must take plenty of exercise. - Patient : Please, sir, I'm 'elp in a boardin' 'ouse form six in the mornin' till twelve at night. - Doctor : In that case take plenty of rest. <a> Judy </a> </j>

<j> <t> WANTED IN SOUTH AFRICA. </t> More Rhodes. <a> Ariel </a> </j>

<j> <t> SOMEWHAT UNGRATEFUL. </t> Ill-conditioned Navvy (who has kept the train waiting, and got into it while in motion, with the aid of a shove from the porter at the imminent peril of his life, and to the alarm of the passengers) : That's or-right ! You can go on now. <a> Fun </a> </j>

<j> <t>[Untitled]</t> THE London County council is anxious to open business as a team proprietor. The proposed route will spoil a bridge and martyrise the Embankment. But then the foolish County council says that the time has come when it must draw the line somewhere. <a> Moonshine </a> </j>

<j> <t>[Untitled]</t> THE proverbial "rose between two thorns" might with equal justice be spoken of as a "middle-man." <a> Judy </a> </j>

<j> <t>A CASE OF VERY MUCH MISTAKEN IDENTITY. </t> Broken-down Individual : I beg your pardon, sir, I'm sure. I mistook you for my handsome and noble-hearted old friend, William Higgins ; and I felt my misfortunes were over, and help was at hand, (Breaks down more.) But perhaps you yourself, sir, might be so disposed as to help a ---.- Stranger (grimly) : Be off sharp ! I am not the man you took me for. <a> Ariel </a> </j>

<j> <t> A PROP OF THE DRAMA. </t> What, back already, Archie ! Was it a dull piece, then ? Don't know. Didn't stop to see. Just looked round stalls and boxes, and didn't see a soul I knew ! so I came away. <a> Punch </a> </j>

<j> <t> SWEETLY PRETTY ! </t> A charming young married lady of our acquaintance recently set her heart upon a handsome drawing-room clock. The effect is extremely pleasing and artistic. <a> Judy </a> </j>

<j> <t> A GOOD BOY. </t> Boy : I had a good conduct mark from the schoolmaster this morning, father. - Father : That is very good. How was it ? - Boy : Oh, because I brought him the school fees. <a> Pick-Me-Up </a> </j>

Periodical - Transcription item Item Type Metadata

Periodical Title

Lloyd's Weekly Newspaper

Periodical Frequency

Weekly

Column Title

Jokes of the Day

Gale document number

BC3206276011

Page

7

Year

1891

Date

03/05/1891

Files

Citation

“Lloyd's Weekly Newspaper (London, England), Sunday, May 3, 1891,” Victorian Meme Machine - Transcriptions, accessed January 19, 2018, http://victorianhumour.com/o/items/show/40.

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