Victorian Meme Machine - Transcriptions

Lloyd's Weekly Newspaper (London, England), Sunday, June 14, 1891

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Title

Lloyd's Weekly Newspaper (London, England), Sunday, June 14, 1891

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<J> <t> HAD HIM. </t> Grecer : Look 'ere, Mr. Dossit, them last four pounds o' butter we 'ad of you was two ounces short, each on 'em ; - Butter -man : Ah ! I'll tell ye 'ow that came about. My missus, she mislaid the pounds wight, an we've bin a-weighin' wi' one o' your pound packets o' tea instid ! <a> Fun </a> </j>

<J> <t> GENTLE SARCASM. </t> Yessir ; I gits 'one from my last journey at midnight - an' then I 'as the rest of the hevenin' to myself! <a> Punch </a> </j>

<J> <t>[Untitled]</t> WHICH of all quarries of the chase gives the warmest scent? - Why, the (h)otter, I suppose. <a> Judy </a> </j>

<J> <t> POOR SCHOOL BOARD. </t> Miss Priscilla Blus : Do you know, Sir George, I should very much like to sit on the School Board ? - Sir George Joliffe : Why, how have they offended you ? <a> Ariel </a> </j>

<J> <t>[Untitled]</t> THE Duke of Fife's daughter is not to be a princess, but Lady Alexandra Duff - plain Duff. Never mind - there is a good British suggestion about the sound of it. It will do very well for the present, and no doubt there will be a plum for it later. <a> Moonshine </a> </j>

<J> <t>[Untitled]</t> DOES a violin bow ever scrape an acquaintance ? <a> Fun </a> </j>

<J> <t>[Untitled]</t> WHAT the Chilian vessel said to the Yankoo cruiser. - E-ta-ta ! <a> Fun </a> </j>

<J> <t> FALSE ALARM </t> Stranger ( excitedly, to maid who answers the bell ) : Quick ! quick ! your master's ill ! I saw him at the window, gasping, and throwing up his head, and clutching at his month - and - Susan : Oh, 'taint't nothing o' that sort ! he were licking a postage stamp, and it's stuck to the roof of his mouth ! <a> Judy </a> </j>

<J> <t> THE NEW NAME FOR THE BACCARAT TABLE. </t> Il-lycett Groen. <a> Ariel </a> </j>

<J> <t> HONEY-MOONING IN ITALY. </t> Fair American Bride : Oh, John ! To think that perhaps Virginius stabbed his daughter on this very spot, and that just over there Tullia drove over her poor father's dead body ! - John : Ah - very sad - very sad, indeed ! But say, Matilda, I guess we'd better let bygones be bygones. And now let's go and have a look at the new post-office. <a> Punch </a> </j>

<J> <t> NOTES AND QUERIES. </t> Wanted to know - whether a prison chaplain usually has a gaol delivery ? Whether, if you recruit your health, you strengthen the constitutional forces ? Whether rate collectors only succeed by dint of " constant application " ? Why, the faster the colours are, the less they run ? Does the man who cuts off one's gas ever do it by main force ? Should a proud painter necessarily reside in Pencil-vain-ia ? <a> Fun </a> </j>

<J> <t> NECESSARY CAUTION. </t> Merchant ( to Clerk who is being carpeted ) : It has come to my ears, Grigsby, that you were a workhouse waif and have never known your parents. - Girgsby : Yes, sir ; but I hope you will find me no worse of that while I do my duty, etc., etc., ending, "and I did think, sir, that you are no the sort of gentlemen who would delight in reminding me of the fact." - Merchant : Oh, no, it's all right, Grigsby, but I may have to remind you of it if you want any more days off to bury relatives in the country. <a>< Ariel /a> </j>

<J> <t>[Untitled]</t> THE latest craze in America is reported to be whist with " living cards. " There should not be the slightest difficulty over procuring a quartette of individuals to impersonate the knaves. <a> Funny Folks </a> </j>

<J> <t>[Untitled]</t> MISTRESS : Yes, Maria. I shall have to send you back to the workhouse. - Slavey : Oh, mum ! Sooner than go back to the works' I would go on the stage. <a> Pick-Me-Up </a> </j>

<J> <t> A CASUS BELLI. </t> " I do admire that girl, " said the first citizen of his latest. " She has such beautiful eyes, such lovely hair, and such a delightfully fresh complexion. " " Yes, " replied the second citizen ; " she has indeed a fresh complexion. She has a fresh complexion every day. " - And then the peace broke with a sudden crash, and it took two whole policemen and a stipendiary magistrate, and a forty shilling fine to mend it. <a> Judy </a> </j>

<J> <t> GRAVE ALLEGATIONS. </t> Epitaphs. <a> Ariel </a> </j>

<J> <t> ON THE LINE. </t> Oi waunt me fortygraf taken. - Yes, sir. Would you prefer a carte or cabinet ? - A cart or cabin it ! Naythor, sorr. Oi' m not a carter or a cabman ; but ay ye would put m a bit railway thruelr, Oi wud be plased, as Oi'm worrkin' on the loine now. <a> Judy </a> </j>

<J> <t> UNFORTUNATE REMARKS. </t> Young Lady Visitor ( after playing the piano in her hostess's room ) : I hope, Mrs. Courtly : Oh, no, I don't mind it in the least, mr dear. I often stay in the room when the tuner is here. <a> Moonshine </a> </j>

<J> <t> ODD MAN OUT. </t> A ' bus-yard extra stable hand on strike. <a> Funny Folks </a> </j>

<J> <t> A FATAL OBJECTION. </t> Clara : This boat won't do at all ! - Boatman : Why, miss, it's the lightest and most comfortable boat on the river ! - Clara : Perhaps it is, but don't you see that it is painted green, and my blue dress won't look well in it ? <a> Funny Folks </a> </j>

<J> <t> NOT TO BE DAUNTED. </t> Jealous Hushand : Before we go to De Twigg's dance I want to warn you that I do not like your flirting habits. - She ( with feminine readiness ) : Don't you ? Tastes will differ. Some people do. <a> Pick-Me-Up </a> </j>

<J> <t> UNSELFISH MAN. </t> Cis : I'll marry you with pleasure, George ; but I didn't much care, you knew, about giving up my journalistic duties on the " Tory Tipper. " I got three pounds a week. - George : Well, I'll give up the City instead. I only get two pounds, you know. <a> Judy </a> </j>

<J> <t> A GOOD EXCUSE. </t> He : I shall never go to Vandergrifts' again - never - She : Why, what reason have you for being so bitter against them ? - He : Reason enough. They actually insulted me in their own house. - She : But, Jack, that's impossible. They live in a rented house. <a> Funny Cuts </a> </j>

<J> <t>[Untitled]</t> BEFORE starting a running match with a pistol, a license is required. No wonder Mr. Goschen shows a surplns if he goes on that way. Really we are very much taxed. But it is too bad to tax us in a case like this, for it is becoming so expensive to be an Englishman that we shall all want to run some day. <a> Moonshine </a> </j>

<J> <t> SYNONYMOUS. </t> At an Irish school. Teacher : Now, can anyone tell me what an unclean spirit is ? - Scholar : If ye plaze, miss, it's a duty divil ! <a> Judy </a> </j>

<J> <t>[Untitled]</t> " Why, Jack, how quickly you turned that old box into a rabbit-hutch. " - " Yes ; I did it with a few rabbit touches. " <a> Ariel </a> </j>

<J> <t> ROUGH ON ART. </t> Mabel : Well, what are we to do this afternoon, Bella ? We've seen all the plays, been to all the interesting shops in the place, and we don't owe a single call. - Bella : Oh, Dear ! Well, there's only one thing left, I suppose - we must go and see some pictures. <a> Judy </a> </j>

Periodical - Transcription item Item Type Metadata

Periodical Title

Lloyd's Weekly Newspaper

Periodical Frequency

Weekly

Column Title

Jokes of the Day

Gale document number

BC3206276494

Page

7

Year

1891

Date

14/06/1891

Files

Citation

“Lloyd's Weekly Newspaper (London, England), Sunday, June 14, 1891,” Victorian Meme Machine - Transcriptions, accessed February 17, 2018, http://victorianhumour.com/o/items/show/45.

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