Victorian Meme Machine - Transcriptions

Lloyd's Weekly Newspaper (London, England), Sunday, July 12, 1891

Dublin Core

Title

Lloyd's Weekly Newspaper (London, England), Sunday, July 12, 1891

Scripto

Transcription

<J> <t> INANITIES OF THE DRAWING-ROOM. </t> Seen the Enfant Prodigue, Mr. Softey ? " - No ; waiting till they do it in English. <a> Punch </a> </j>

<J> <t> THINGS ONE WOULD RASHER HAVE LEFT UNWRITTEN. </t> Proud Father ( reading his son's school report ) : Manners vulgar - very vulgar. But perhaps this is hereditary. <a> Punch </a> </j>

<J> <t> A KNOTTY QUESTION. </t> Sceno - By the sad Sea Waves. Sentimental Damsel : Is a sailor's knot at all like a true lover's knot ? - Prosaic and Slangy Young Man : Well I shouldn't think so. I've heard that sailors are always good at splicing, and lovers often aren't nowadays, you know. " <a> Moonshine </a> </j>

<J> <t> WORTH A GUINEA A -- VISIT. </t> Doctor : The only thing for you to do is to take a three month's sea voyage. - Patient : But I can't get away, doctor. - Doctor : Then you must go out of town for a couple of weeks. - Patient : Impossible ; I can't leave London. - Doctor : Ah ! Hum ! Well, take a good deal of exercise, then. - Patient : I can't walk. - Doctor ; Well, I'll give you a couple of pills. <a> Ariel </a> </j>

<J> <t> HEALTH FOR THE HOUSEHOLD. </t> Soulful Son : The doctor says I must go away, father, although it's the season, to recruit my health. - Unsympathetic Pater " : Do, my boy, it will recruit everybody's. <a> Ariel </a> </j>

<J> <t> THE ROYAL CHRISTENING. </t> ( Extract from an epic of the future ) Alexandra Victoria Aberta Edwina Louise, The Primate returned to the Queen, who gave her a squeeze. <a> Moonshine </a> </j>

<J> <t>[Untitled]</t> PAPERS relating to the slave trade have been issued from the Foreign Office. Captain Henderson, of H.M.S. Conquest, states that the slave trade is on its last legs. Black legs, evidently. <a> Moonshine </a> </j>

<J> <t> PROVERBIAL PARODIES. </t> Nothing exceeds like excess. ( General. ) Nothing proceeds like process. ( Legal. ) Nothing recedes like recess. ( Parliamentary. ) <a> Moonshine </a> </j>

<J> <t>[Untitled]</t> " DISTANCE LENDS, " &c. - Mr. Mashemall : By jove, Miss Prettypert, I wish you'd out me into your picture ! - Miss Prettypert : I will, if you'd sit where i ask you to. - Mr. Mashemall : Oh, delighted ! by jove ! where shall I sit ? - Miss Prettypert : On that rock in the background. Make haste ! - N.B - " That rock " is five miles away. <a> Fun </a> </j>

<J> <t> STOLEN SPOONS. </t> Mrs. B. ( bitterly ) : They say Belia and Mr. Jones sold all the presents to cover the expenses of their wedding trip, Perhaps they are now honeymooning with my spoons. <a> Ariel </a> </j>

<J> <t>[Untitled]</t> THE water companies' employes are grumbling about their pay. Some say, indeed, that a strike in the tap-is. <a> Moonshine </a> </j>

<J> <t> SAFE. </t> Gray : I was robbed only once. - Hodgey : When was that ? - Gray : When I used to keep my money in a burglar-proof safe. <a> Funny Cuts </a> </j>

<J> <t> CUTLERS BANQUET NOTE </t> The Sort of Implement for Sharp Appetites : Whittles. <a> Funny Folks </a> </j>

<J> <t> Eh ! </t> She : And did yo not bring your wife down with you ? - He : No ; the doctor advised a complete change. <a> Funny Cuts </a> </j>

<J> <t> GOOD NAME FOR A MATRIMONIAL AGENCY. </t> The Match Box. <a> Judy </a> </j>

<J> <t>[Untitled]</t> THE Parisian bakers have failed disastrously in an attempted strike. Another defeat for Boulauger ! <a> Moonshine </a> </j>

<J> <t> A SQUARE MEAL. </t> A Masonic banquet. <a> Funny Folks </a> </j>

<J> <t>[Unititled]</t> WHEN Architects can Raise the Wind : - When it is due North ! <a> Judy </a> </j>

<J> <t> SILVER PLATED. </t> Our own patent philosopher says that filtration is like all that is left after a hungry man has finished his pudding - an empty spoon. <a> Judy </a> </j>

<J> <t> PARTNERSHIP DISSOLVED. </t> That of sugar with tea. <a> Ariel </a> </j>

<J> <t> AN " END OF THE CENTURY " YOUTH. </t> Lucy : Going already, Charlie ? - Charlie : Er-yes ! Mrs. Wabengera has bored mean into engaging myself for a waltz. I'm seeking safety in flight before it's due. Ta-ta Be good ! <a> Fun </a> </j>

<J> <t>[Untitled]</t> WHAT is the difference between the winner of the next year's " Derby, " and that sublime article of domestic consumption, the " common or garden " sausage ? The former is certain to be thoroughbred : the latter - with equal certainty - half bread. <a> Fun </a> </j>

<J> <t> FIRST OLD SWELL </t> Now, why is the happiest horse the most unhappy creature possible ? - Second Old Swell : By Jove, old chap, I don't know. - First Old Swell : Because he's subject to many " woes " - see ! <a> Pick-Me-Up </a> </j>

<J> <t>[Untitled]</t> " EH, what's that - why are debts like the Weather ? - Um - let's see ! Oh, because they're un-settled, of source. " <a> Funny Folks </a> </j>

<J> <t>[Untitled]</t> HE : I think that the letter will do now. Shall I put it in an envelope for you ? - She : Oh, gracious, no Harry. Wait till I write the postscript ! <a> Pick-Me-Up </a> </j>

<J> <t> GIVE A DOG A BAD NAME &Q </t> Lydia : Oh, Bertie, I have decided to call my dog " Stormy ." - Bertie : " Stormy ? " What an awfully curious name ! - Lydia : Not at all, when you come to consider that he's a " Black Skye. " <a> Funny Cuts </a> </j>

<J> <t> EXCLUSIVE INFORMATION. </t> " Exit Only. " <a> Judy </a> </j>

<J> <t> ON THE CLIFFS. </t> Sarah Jaus ( gazing rapturously at-gentleman with dog ) : Where 'ave I seen him before ? Can I 'ave met him in some previous existence ? 'Ow well I know that noble form - those curling locks and long drooping moustache, and that dear dog, too. - Ehea Ann : Why 'e's the image of Lord Montague de Marmalade in " Lady Vavaseur's Secret : or, Why She Did It. ". And that's Bruno. ( And then they both secretly wished that they might fall over the cliffs, be caught by a projecting bush, and be rescued by the hero of a hundred novelettes and his dog. And it was only Jones who was staying from Saturday to Monday. ) <a> Ariel </a> </j>

<J> <t> A CHILDS FUNERAL </t> Grace ( who has just been rewarded at school for good behaviour, reads from the newspaper ) : The woman was disinterred, having been buried without a certificate ! That will never happen to me, will it, mamma ? - Mamma : Why not, dear ? - Grace : Because I've got my certificate. <a> Ariel </a> </j>

Periodical - Transcription item Item Type Metadata

Periodical Title

Lloyd's Weekly Newspaper

Periodical Frequency

Weekly

Column Title

Jokes of the Day

Gale document number

BC3206276811

Page

7

Year

1891

Date

12/07/1891

Files

Citation

“Lloyd's Weekly Newspaper (London, England), Sunday, July 12, 1891,” Victorian Meme Machine - Transcriptions, accessed June 25, 2018, http://victorianhumour.com/o/items/show/47.

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