Victorian Meme Machine - Transcriptions

Lloyd's Weekly Newspaper (London, England), Sunday, August 2, 1891

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Title

Lloyd's Weekly Newspaper (London, England), Sunday, August 2, 1891

Scripto

Transcription

<J> <t>[Untitled]</t> BOULANGER'S famous black horse now draws a parcels van. The historical charger which was to head the advance upon Berlin, is alas ! half way towards ending as German sausages. <a> Moonshine </a> </j>

<J> <t> A LAME EXCUSE. </t> Ma-in-law ( who has been sitting up for him ) : Aren't you ashamed to come home at this hour in the morning ? And you've been gambling again, you tipsy spendthrift, or what's the meaning of these cards ? - Snobly-Smith : Gambling ? Norrabirrofit Nothing o' sort ! But you don't supposhe I could move in tip-top soshiety if I didn't carry some sort of gaming apparatush 'bout me ! <a> Fun </a> </j>

<J> <t> GOOD ADVICE. </t> Mrs. W, : What are you doing, dear ? - Mr. W, : Musing on the inflnite. - Mrs. W. : You must stop it. You'll go crazy if you keep your mind fixed on your debts. <a> Funny Cuts </a> </j>

<J> <t>[Untitled]</t> WHY is Druriolanus like Aristotle ? - At first sight it looks as if he were totle-ly different ; but there is a resemblance - firstly, because he is a stagey-wright ; and, secondly, because he lives in a benighted age. <a> Ariel </a> </j>

<J> <t> UNANSWERABLE. </t> Priest : Well, Pat, I understand you are going to be married again ? - Widower : Yis, your riv'rence. - Priest : But your wife has only been dead two months. - Widower : Yis, your riv'rence ; but, sure, ain't she as dead now as ivvershe'll be ? <a> Judy </a> </j>

<J> <t> L'ENTENTE CORDIALE. </t> A portion of the French Fleet is soon to be entertained on English shores. The 'first of these vessels sighted as it approaches will be sufficient evidence of their French ship towards us. <a> Punch </a> </j>

<J> <t>[Untitled]</t> COUNSEL : Did he call you a lair in so many words ? - Complainant : Well, he called me a weather report. - Judge : That is sufficient. You are entitled to damages ! <a> Pick-Me-Up </a> </j>

<J> <t>[Untitled]</t> MR. STONE : Is Miss Sngar at home ? - Servant : No, sir. - Mr. Stone : Please tell her that I called. Now don't forget, will you ? - Servant : No, sir. I'll go and tell her this minute. <a> Pick-Me-Up </a> </j>

<J> <t> THAT WON'T WASH ! </t> Do you never wash these bathing towels, Mrs. Swillum ? - Mrs Swillum ( the bathing woman ) : Sure, miss, an' they don't want it at all, at all - aren't the paple clone afther vein' in the wather ? <a> Fun </a> </j>

<J> <t> VERY LIKELY. </t> Inquisitive Old Party : My good man, can you tell me who is dead ? - Hibernian ( form Cork ) : No, yer honour ; but Oi think it's the gentleman in the hearse yonder. <a> Funny Cuts </a> </j>

<J> <t>[Untitled]</t> An invention has been made at Georgetown observatory, Columbia, called the photo-chronograph, and the instrument causes a star to record the time of its own transit across the meridian. It is to be hoped this photo-chronograph is not to be applied to domestic uses. Fancy a man having it scientifically recorded what time he crosses his threshold at night. We surmise there would be scenes in the morning. <a> Moonshine </a> </j>

<J> <t> TRUMPED. </t> What a splendid wood ! Wants thinning a bit, though. The owner ought to cut some of it. - Don't you know he is a great card player ? - Y-e-s. But I don't quite see --.-- Why, man, he knows he is not supposed to cut when it' his own deal. <a> Judy </a> </j>

<J> <t> CAT-CHING. </t> Have you seen my little cat, Mr. Foxglove ? - Was it a little black cat with a bell on its neck and two white spots on its tail ? - The very one ! - Then, I haven't seen it. <a> Judy </a> </j>

<J> <t>[Untitled]</t> GENTLEMAN (indignantly) : You said in your letter that a splendid view of the sea was obtainable form there rooms, or I should never have taken them. Why, the sea's too far off to be visible ! - Landlady : Yes, sir, with the naked eye ; but you can see it quite clearly through this powerful telescope, which is at the service, at a nominal charge, of those who take the rooms. <a> Pick-Me-Up </a> </j>

<J> <t>[Untitled]</t> IRISHMAN : Oi've got a pain in me side, docthor. - Doctor : Which side ? - Irishman : In-side me outside, docthor ! <a> Pick-Me-Up </a> </j>

<J> <t> THE PACE THAT KILES - APPEARANCES. </t> Cousin May : Do you like donkey-riding, Ethel ? - Ethel : Oh, pretty well ; but a donkey's pace is so awkward, you know ; One can't show any style. <a> Fun </a> </j>

<J> <t> A REGULAR THING. </t> Miss Languish : Were you ever disappointed in love, Mr. Hearty ? - Mr. Hearty : Yes, indeed ; every time. <a> Funny Cuts </a> </j>

<J> <t> DOWN IN THE MOUTH. </t> " Are you an artist ? " - " I am. " - " Shake hands, old man ; so am I . What do you draw ? " - " Teeth ! " <a> Funny Cuts </a> </j>

<J> <t> WIFELY INCOMPLETENESS. </t> Brewser : Wot licks me is I can't give my ole woman a couple of black eyes. - Smalley : Why ? - Brewser ( in an injured tone ) : 'Cos she's only got one eye. <a> Ariel </a> </j>

<J> <t> GRATITUDE IS A LIVELY SENSE. </t> Husband : Don't fret, love. We must get into debt. But Aunt Tabitha cannot last more than six months, and then we shall be rich. - Wife : Six months, George ! Why, we may all be in heaven in six months, with Aunt Tabitha ! - Husband : Merciful powers ! I hope not. <a> Judy </a> </j>

<J> <t> FRENCH AS SHE IS SPOKEN. </t> British Workman ( as usual, and on his Saturday's chaff ) : 'Ere-ah, Waitaw, give me a glass of dry Chartoroussy. ( Barman looks astonished ) . Don't yer know what it is ? - Barman : Well, I don't, rightly, unless it's A Licquerry. <a> Fun </a> </j>

<J> <t> SPEECHES TO BE LIVED DOWN - IF POSSIBLE ! </t> Sympathetic Lady Guest : Don't be unhappy about the rain, dear Mrs. Bounderson - it will soon be over, and your garden will be lovelier than ever ! - Little Mrs. Goldmore Bounderson ( who is giving her first garden party ) : Yes ; but I'm afraid it will keep my most desirable guests from coming. <a> Punch </a> </j>

<J> <t>[Untitled]</t> GENTLEMAN : I want to see the head of the family. - Irish Domestic : Yis, sorr. Jist shtep into the library, an' ye'll see it on the table. They say it riprisints the great gintral shakspere ! <a> Pick-Me-Up </a> </j>

<J> <t> CARAMELS ARE BETTER THAN COMPLIMENTS. </t> Maude : Jack Gushing seems very much devoted to you. How do you like him ? - Ethel : Oh, he gives me to many sweet things for my ears, and not enough sweet things for my mouth <a> Funny Cuts </a> </j>

<J> <t> PASS UNCHALLENGED. </t> Commanding Officer ( in a furious rage ) : Has anything passed here during the last hour, fellow ? - Sentry ( calmly ) : Yes, sir ; sixty minutes, sir. <a> Ariel </a> </j>

<J> <t> A TRADE SECRET. </t> At the wine Merchant's - Customer ( confidentially ) : I say, Pommery, old man, which is the best bargain - your Chateau Bordeaux, at twenty-four shillings, or our Vin Ordinaire, at eighteen shillings, eh ? - Wine Merchnat's Clerk ( still more so ) : Well - mum's the word ! - I don't mind telling you they're both out of the same bin ! <a> Judy </a> </j>

<J> <t> NEW RIDDLE ( WITH THE OLD ANSWER ). </t> Where was Isaacs when the Balance-Sheet went out ? <a> Punch </a> </j>

<J> <t> IN WALES. </t> He : Are you staying near here ? - She : Yes, at Llanggochciomiillyddwchyr. - He : Pray be careful. This is only a wooden pier, you know ! <a> Pick-Me-Up </a> </j>

<J> <t> AND SHE NAMED THE DAY. </t> He ( awkwardly ) : Ah, Miss Mabel, I hope you understand my feelings ! - She : I'm sure I'm quite in the dark ! - He ( desperately ) : then suppose we strike a match ! <a> Funny Cuts </a> </j>

<J> <t> IN A RAILWAY CARRIAGE. </t> First Journalist ( to Second Journalist, who is placing his next week's leader on the rack ) : Aren't you violating the regulations, old man ? - Second Journalist : Violating the regulations ! How so ? - First Journalist : This rack is " intended for light articles only. " <a> Ariel </a> </j>

<J> <t> A CORKER. </t> " Do you shave yourself all the time ? " asked the barber. " No, I stop occasionally for meals, " said Jimpian, savagely. <a> Funny Cuts </a> </j>

<J> <t> MORE FLATTERY. </t> Swarthy Minstrel : The last time I 'ad pleasure of seeing you, m'lord, was at 'Enley, I think ? [ 'Arry, down for the day, fairly loses his head, and recklessly reduces his exchequer by one shilling sterling. Farewell, O long cherished dream of tea and shrimps ! ] <a> Judy </a> </j>

<J> <t> WISBECH WINE. </t> Liberal supply. The BRAND of 1891, acknowledged to be quite beyond competition. <a> Punch </a> </j>

<J> <t> CHEEK. </t> Gentleman ( to burglar ) : I say ! what are you doing in my house ? - Burglar ( coolly ) : Your house. It is your house ? I thought you only rented it ? - Gentleman ( taken quite aback ) ; Why, yes, but - 'pon my word, of all --, - Burglar : Well, don't you be so mighty cocky, talking' about your house, indeed ! Goodnight ! <a> Pick-Me-Up </a> </j>

<J> <t> GENUS IRRITABLE. </t> First Bard : Seen my sonnets in the Pacific Weekly ? - Second Bard :Yes. - First Bard : Like them ? - Second Bard : Well-a-candidly-I--.- First Bard : Oh, it it comes to that, candidly I always hated your beastly ballads and roundels and rot in the Erechtheum - but I had the decency not to tell you so ! <a> Punch </a> </j>

Periodical - Transcription item Item Type Metadata

Periodical Title

Lloyd's Weekly Newspaper

Periodical Frequency

Weekly

Column Title

Jokes of the Day

Gale document number

BC3206277028

Page

7

Year

1891

Date

02/08/1891

Files

Citation

“Lloyd's Weekly Newspaper (London, England), Sunday, August 2, 1891,” Victorian Meme Machine - Transcriptions, accessed July 22, 2018, http://victorianhumour.com/o/items/show/49.

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