Victorian Meme Machine - Transcriptions

Lloyd's Weekly Newspaper (London, England), Sunday, August 9, 1891

Dublin Core

Title

Lloyd's Weekly Newspaper (London, England), Sunday, August 9, 1891

Scripto

Transcription

<J> <t> LA POLITESSE DE PORTSMOUTH. </t> The French fleet may depend upon a courteous welcome at Portsmouth by the Mayor, who is the " Pink " of Politeness. <a> Punch </a> </j>

<J> <t>[Untitled]</t> JONES : I was never so insulted in m life. What do you think ? See that lanky, bowlegged, splay footed cockatoo with a red nose and white hat ? Well, he asked me the way to Charing-cross, and I showed him ; and he offered me half a crown. Well, I should have pocketed the insult. - Jones : That's just what I did. What are you going to have ? <a> Fun </a> </j>

<J> <t> SHOT THROUGH THE TUNIC. </t> Jack (who has recently joined the Volunteers and is donning his uniform for the first time ) : I've been trying ever so long and I can't hook this tunic at the throat. - Pretty Cousin Polly ( who doesn't admire him sufficiently ) : Oh ! You won't hook it till the war commences. <a> Ariel </a> </j>

<J> <t> A BIG FEAT IN TURNERY </t> Turning the corner of a street. <a> Funny Folks </a> </j>

<J> <t> IRISH ELECTION INTELLIGENCE. </t> Dennis ( at the window ) : Hey ! Patsy. phwat's the shtate av the poll ? - Patsy ( homeward bound ) : The 'pole,' is it, ye're asking afther ? Shure, it was big Mick Mulligan's shillelagh gev me this shtroke ! But, begor ! Oi belave ye're roight ! 'Twas more like a pole than a walkin' stick ! But divil a wan av me's throublin' about the shtate av it ! <a> Fun </a> </j>

<J> <t>[Untitled]</t> NERVOUS YOUNG LADY to Old Boatman : Would you mind keeping your eye on us, please, whilst we are bathing because we can't swim. ( Boatman promises readily. ) <a> Ariel </a> </j>

<J> <t> A MEMBER SUSPENDED. </t> An arm in a sling. <a> Ariel </a> </j>

<J> <t>[Untitled]</t> THE Crown Prince of Roumania is to follow the Prince of Naples. Really, there future Kings are giving us no rest at all. We shall have to institute a close time for heirs if this sort of thing continues. <a> Moonshine </a> </j>

<J> <t>[Untitled]</t> " DON'T whistle till you're out of the wood, " as the man said when the noise of the fermenting cask of wine he's intended to bottle off came piping through the spigot-bore. <a> Funny Folks </a> </j>

<J> <t> THE HEIGHT OF IMPROPRIETY. </t> Miss Grundisson, jun. : There goes Lucy Holroyd, all alone in a boat with young Snipson as usual ! So imprudent of them ! - Her Elder Sister : Yes ; how shocking if they were upset and drowned - without a chaperon, you know. <a> Punch </a> </j>

<J> <t> OVERHEARD AT THE CLUB. </t> Have a cigarette, Tims ? - Thanks ; no. I don't care for stationwy. I'm a smokah. <a> Judy </a> </j>

<J> <t> FORGING A-HEAD </t> Engraving a spurious postage-stamp. <a> Funny Folks </a> </j>

<J> <t>[Untitled]</t> SEASONABLE QUESTION JUST NOW : Where do you expect to go ? <a> Judy </a> </j>

<J> <t>[Untitled]</t> THE trouble with the Kurds, at So-uj-Bolak, is over and Miss Greenfield as was, has become Mrs. Aziz as is. <a> Moonshine </a> </j>

<J> <t>[Untitled]</t> ONE of the latest female fashions is a dog collar of velvet, to which are attached two plaitings of muzzling - no muslin, we mean. <a> Moonshine </a> </j>

<J> <t>[Untitled]</t> A MONARCHY is always a most remunerative institution to the country which adopts it - for does not the latter, while giving a crown, always get a sovereign in exchange ? <a> Judy </a> </j>

<J> <t>[Untitled]</t> MOST rivers have running accounts on two banks. <a> Judy </a> </j>

<J> <t> A NEW FISCAL ARRANGEMENT. </t> Attacks on the Speaker. <a> Ariel </a> </j>

<J> <t> " ON THE SQUAKE. " </t> " A cheque-mate's a husband who's found a good catch, " So lisp rosy lips that romance little reck. Yes, and many a close " matrimonial " match Is won by " Perpetual cheque. " <a> Punch </a> </j>

<J> <t>[Untitled]</t> IT is reported that the meeting at Bisley, this year, will prove a loss to the N.R.A. of 2,000l. The range does not draw properly. <a> Moonshine </a> </j>

<J> <t>[Untitled]</t> No man was ever yet too busy to jump to window and watch the fire-engine go whooping by. <a> Pick-Me-Up </a> </j>

<J> <t> THE BEST WAY TO GET OUT OF A SCRAPE. </t> Let your beard grow. <a> Judy </a> </j>

<J> <t> " TO MEET THE ANTIMACCASARS. " </t> Well, now you are here, I hope you will come and have tea with us. - I shall be very pleased to. - But not till the end of the week, dear, as all my antimacassars are at the wash. <a> Judy </a> </j>

<J> <t>[Untitled]</t> EMINENT LAWYER : Innocent sir, innocent ? - Defendant : Yes. That makes it so --- Eminent Lawyer : Stay, sir. In that case I regret to inform you that it is impossible for me to take up your case. You see, a man of my professional standing could not possibly undertake anything so unimportant as proving an innocent man not guilty. <a> Pick-Me-Up </a> </j>

<J> <t>[Untitled]</t> WHAT is the dreadful smell I get, Mary ! Have you been burning anything ? - 'Tis only the candle, mum ; It fell in the wather and I'm afther puttin' it in the oven to dry. <a> Ariel </a> </j>

<J> <t> TO A MISER. </t> Reader, beware immoderate love of self, Here lies the worst of thieves - who robbed himself. <a> Pick-Me-Up </a> </j>

<J> <t>[Untitled]</t> SIR HEADWARD WATKIN, at the South-Eastern meeting, spoke in quite a haut ton of coals in Kent. <a> Moonshine </a> </j>

Periodical - Transcription item Item Type Metadata

Periodical Title

Lloyd's Weekly Newspaper

Periodical Frequency

Weekly

Column Title

Jokes of the Day

Gale document number

BC3206277115

Page

7

Year

1891

Date

09/08/1891

Files

Citation

“Lloyd's Weekly Newspaper (London, England), Sunday, August 9, 1891,” Victorian Meme Machine - Transcriptions, accessed June 25, 2018, http://victorianhumour.com/o/items/show/50.

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