Victorian Meme Machine - Transcriptions

Lloyd's Weekly Newspaper (London, England), Sunday, August 23, 1891

Dublin Core

Title

Lloyd's Weekly Newspaper (London, England), Sunday, August 23, 1891

Scripto

Transcription

<j> <t> CONFIDENCES OF A MATURE SIREN. </t> I admit I'm not as handsome as I used to be ; but I'm twice as dangerous. <a> Punch </a> </j>

<j> <t>[Untitled]</t> " RULE Britannia, " indeed ! Who's going to do it ? Eh ? Let 'em try it on, that's all ! <a> Judy </a> </j>

<j> <t> A TIP TO BUILDERS, CARPENTERS, AND OTHERS. </t> On what to " plank " your money down ? - Why, on Good-wood, of course ! <a> Judy </a> </j>

<j> <t> PROTECTION. </t> Bella : I must insist, Fred, that our engagement be kept quite secret. - Fred: Why, my love, if it's known it will protect you from being pestered with other men's attentions. - Bella : Yes, I know ; but I don't want to be protected. <a> Fun </a> </j>

<j> <t>[Untitled]</t> THE report that King Milan had committed suicide on account of his losses at play was promptly contradicted last week. The statement was obviously false on the face of it. No gentlemen - especially no professional gentlemen, which is what King Milan is - regards his debts, nowadays, as a serious matter. When his creditors begin to worry, he just goes into the Bankruptcy court and chaffs them. <a> Moonshine </a> </j>

<j> <t>[Untitled]</t> LORD TENNYSON has just celebrated his eighty-second birthday, and is almost as po-eighty-cal as ever. <a> Moonshine </a> </j>

<j> <t>[Untitled]</t> A DEFENDANT, who was lately fined for travelling by rail without a ticket, described himself as a literary man. Perhaps this is why he was charged by the line. <a> Moonshine </a> </j>

<j> <t>[Untitled]</t> A LATE itinerant grinder of shears in Chicago is reported to have left behind him $21,000 - evidently the result of sheer-grinding industry. <a> Funny Folks. </a> </j>

<j> <t> THE RISING GENERATION - UP TO DATE ; ON " FIN DE SIECLE. " </t> Aunty : And what makes you discontented with the place, Ethel ? - Ethel ( aged 10 ) : Why, there's no men here ! <a> Moonshine </a> </j>

<j> <t> A PIOUS FRAUD. </t> Hullo, Monty, what have you got in your button-hole ? You don't mean to say you've joined the Blue Ribbon army ? - Yes ; for this night only. Going to dine with Jakes. Don't want to hurt poor old Jake's feelings - don't want to be poisoned by his neatly wine. See ? <a> Punch </a> </j>

<j> <t> HAD HIM THERE ! </t> My dear Sally ! I know a great deal more of human nature that you give me credit for. - I'm glad of that. <a> Judy </a> </j>

<j> <t> SEVERS MEASURES. </t> A gentleman, whose attention has a habit of persistently wandering, recently had it arrested. <a> Judy </a> </j>

<j> <t> THINGS NOT GENERALLY KNOWN. </t> Poor relations. <a> Judy </a> </j>

<j> <t> MORE IN SORROW THAN IN ANGER. </t> Awfully sorry, old fellah, to heah of your wife's death. - Yes ; most unfortunate at this time of year. It's completely upset my holiday. <a> Judy </a> </j>

<j> <t> LAUNDRY ANOMALY. </t> Washing machines that " Won't wash. " <a> Funny Folks </a> </j>

<j> <t> MOTTO FOR THE HOT WEATHER. </t> When things are at the worst they'll turn. <a> Judy </a> </j>

<j> <t>[Untitled]</t> GENT ( who has arrived at Colchester station by marl train, pacing up and down the platform, on a lovely summer evening ) : Is'nt this invigorating, porter ? - Porter : No, sir, this is Colchester. <a> Pick-Me-Up </a> </j>

<j> <t> A MAN OF STRAW. </t> A Luton hat manufacturer. <a> Funny Folks. </a> </j>

<j> <t>[Untitled]</t> Mr. HAREUP : I couldn't afford to furnish a house for your daughter, sir, just at present, but we might live on a flat and -- Her Father ( interrupting ) : Yes, but I'm not going to be that flat <a> Pick-Me-Up </a> </j>

<j> <t> ALL THE DIFFERENCE. </t> English Snob : I think America a wretched country. Imagine being governed by people you can't ask to dinner. - Fair American : But England is governed by those who'll never invite you to dinner. <a> Judy </a> </j>

<j> <t>[Untitled]</t> HE had, as a boy, received a dozen strokes with a birch for throwing stones at a train, and now, in mature years, he blushes to the roots of his hair at the bare mention of a switch back railway. <a> Fun </a> </j>

<j> <t>[Untitled]</t> IS that little shooting iron of yours a horse pistol ? No ; it is a Colt. <a> Fun </a> </j>

<j> <t>[Untitled]</t> SHE : I wonder what satisfaction the dog can find in barking at the moon. - He : They say that the moon is made of cheese. Perhaps there are rats in it. <a> Pick-Me-Up </a> </j>

<j> <t>[Untitled]</t> Why is a fellow hard up and in debt like a traveller in the backwoods ? - Because he's a long time coming to a settlement. <a> Judy </a> </j>

<j> <t> " I'D JUST LIKE TO " </t> Aunt Priscilla : Kitty, I'm ashamed of you. I don't know however you can let that odious young Featherflock put his arm round you, I'd just like to see the wretch trying to take such a liberty with me ! - Miss Tomboy ( sympathetically ) : I'm sure you would, aunty darling ; but I'm afraid you'll be disappointed. Mr. Featherlock is a man of taste, don't you know ! <a> Pick-Me-Up </a> </j>

<j> <t> A CUCKOO CRIES. </t> Cuck-o-o ! Cuck-o-o ! - The Child ( thinking of the cuckoo clock at home ) : Mamma, did you hear that three strike ? <a> Pick-Me-Up </a> </j>

<j> <t>[Untitled]</t> A STRONG man called at a friend's house the other day, carried out a weighty enterprise, and took a load off his mind at one and the same operation. <a> Judy </a> </j>

<j> <t>[Untitled]</t> CHILD : Can you take your teeth out ? 0 Lady Visitor : No, dear. - Child : Mamma can. <a> Pick-Me-Up </a> </j>

<j> <t>[Untitled]</t> WE know a fellow so thoroughly self-sufficient that his very chairs have a cane-seuted way with them. <a> Judy </a> </j>

<j> <t>[Untitled]</t> THE man who was open to conviction has been very properly shut up by the prison authorities. <a> Judy </a> </j>

Periodical - Transcription item Item Type Metadata

Periodical Title

Lloyd's Weekly Newspaper

Periodical Frequency

Weekly

Column Title

Jokes of the Day

Gale document number

BC3206277275

Page

7

Year

1891

Date

23/08/1891

Files

Citation

“Lloyd's Weekly Newspaper (London, England), Sunday, August 23, 1891,” Victorian Meme Machine - Transcriptions, accessed January 17, 2018, http://victorianhumour.com/o/items/show/52.

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