Victorian Meme Machine - Transcriptions

Lloyd's Weekly Newspaper (London, England), Sunday, September 13, 1891

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Title

Lloyd's Weekly Newspaper (London, England), Sunday, September 13, 1891

Scripto

Transcription

<j> <t> A FATAL PROFESSION. </t> " Well, Mr. Smythe, you've passed your examination very satisfactorily, but stay - what is your profession ? " asked the Insurance company man. - " I am - er - er - a - poet, " said Smythe, blushing. - " Oh ; and do you take or send your poems ? " - " I usually call with them, " said the rhymester. - " In that case, Mr. Smythe, " said the official, shutting his book with a snap, "we certainly shouldn't think of insuring your life ! Good morning ? " <a> Fun </a> </j>

<j> <t> MODERN VERSION OF " WISE MEN OF THE EAST " </t> The Congress of Orientalists. <a> Punch </a> </j>

<j> <t> THE AGRICULTURAL OUTLOOK. </t> John Bull : Artificial rain be bothered ! What I want is some artificial fine weather. <a> Judy </a> </j>

<j> <t> STYLE AND TITLE. </t> Visitor : I suppose yours is all real old Chippendale, Mrs. Parvenue ? - Mrs. P. : No, I don't think so ; I believe it's all mahogany. <a> Fun </a> </j>

<j> <t>[Untitled]</t> ABUNDANT feathers form the trimming for ladies' hats. Fortunately the weather has been cold, or the weight of these feathers might have proved a bird 'un. <a> Moonshine </a> </j>

<j> <t> PIOUS FRIEND. </t> Dear me, I'm sorry to see you coming out of a public-house, Mr. Brown. - Couldn't help it, ole fel' ( hic ), I was chucked out ! <a> Pick-Me-Up </a> </j>

<j> <t>[Untitled]</t> EVANGELINE : And when, Ethelbert, will you ask papa for his consent ? - Ethelbert : I think, darling, I'll defer that pleasure till after supper. - Evangeline : Why wait till then, dear ? - Ethelbert : Well, sweetest, because then he'll have his slippers on. <a> Fun </a> </j>

<j> <t> CRICKETANA. - YOUNG LADIES V. BOYS. </t> Fair Batter ( aetat. 18 ) Now, just look here, Algy Jones - none of your patronage ! You dare to bowl to me with your left hand again, and I'll box your ears ! <a> Punch </a> </j>

<j> <t> AMENITIES OF POLITENESS. </t> She : Can't I do something to make you look happy ? - He ; Yes ; let me marry you. <a> Fun </a> </j>

<j> <t>[Untitled]</t> JACKETS without sleeves are returning into fashion for ladies. Unlike some ideas this one is quite 'armless. <a> Moonshine </a> </j>

<j> <t> GETTING HIS HAND IN. </t> Nellie : What ! Uncle ! An old gentleman like you actually playing at football. Surely you can't be practising for a match ? - Uncle : You expect that young man of yours here this afternoon, don't you ? - Nellie : Yes, George will --. Uncle : Well, that's what I'm practising football for. <a> Funny Cuts </a> </j>

<j> <t>[Untitled]</t> NOBODY has ever heard of a hen laying - a foundation-stone. <a> Fun </a> </j>

<j> <t> ALL THE DIFFERENCE ! </t> Major Bagot : Rasher says he means to shoot you at the Butts in the morning. - Captain Wreath : I know that, confound him ! - Major Bagot : Mad fellow ! Shouldn't take any notice of him if I were you - go and stand your ground as usual. - Captain Wreath : D'you know he says if he doesn't shoot me he'll shoot you ! -Major Bagot : What-at ! Put him in the guard room at once. <a> Judy </a> </j>

<j> <t>[Untitled]</t> THE difference between our bull-dog and our laundry is this - one is " wicious, " the other " wash'us. " <a> Fun </a> </j>

<j> <t> A CURIOUS MISTAKE. </t> A well-known student of language fell into a very remarkable error the other day - he positively took a house for a term. <a> Judy </a> </j>

<j> <t> MORE THAN LIKELY. </t> Patient : Doctor, I fancy, somehow, I've got a touch of the gout. - Doctor : Fancy, my dear sir ! If you had, you wouldn't fancy, you'd know. <a> Fun </a> </j>

<j> <t>[Untitled]</t> PATERFAMILIAS ( with a vivid recollection of last quarter's gas bill ) : - I suppose you thoroughly understand the working of the gas meter, so as to correctly register the exact amount of gas consumed ? - Gas Man : Law bless you, sir, I could do it with my eyes shut. - Paterfamilias : I've no doubt you could, sir. <a> Pick-Me-Up </a> </j>

<j> <t> PRETTY CREATURES. </t> Flossie ( Tessa, a trifle jealous of George's attentions to Flossie, had declined going for a walk with them ) : You should have come, Tess ; it was simply delightful - we enjoyed ourselves immensely. Tessa ; Thanks, dear. I'm glad you've had a good time ; but Tom Hunter's been here while you were out, so I haven't felt lonely at all. [ Tom Hunter is a weakness of Flossie's. Mutual but silent heartburnings. Tableeaux. ] <a> Fun </a> </j>

<j> <t> CONTRADICTORY TERMS. </t> Impecunions Peerlet : I was so awfully hard up, don't you know, Lady Silvergilt, that I've gone in for trade - and I'm doing splendidly. - Lady Silvergilt : Oh, I'm so glad to hear you are getting on - I suppose it took an awful lot of money to start you. <a> Funny Cuts </a> </j>

<j> <t>[Untitled]</t> At Kingston, Ontario, a number of ladies, after unrobing in the market placs, have burnt their corsets publicly at a big bonfire. The corsets deserved their fate, for no doubt they were tight, and had evidently set a bad example to the ladies. <a> Moonshine </a> </j>

<j> <t> A PROFESSIONAL AGITATOR. </t> An emotional actor. <a> Fun </a> </j>

<j> <t> PRESS WORK. </t> Forcing one's way through a crowd. <a> Funny Folks. </a> </j>

<j> <t>[Untitled]</t> WHEN a man says he " doesn't care a toss, " it's a clear proof he has never been prodded by a bull's horn. <a> Funny Folks </a> </j>

Periodical - Transcription item Item Type Metadata

Periodical Title

Lloyd's Weekly Newspaper

Periodical Frequency

Weekly

Column Title

Jokes of the Day

Gale document number

BC3206277526

Page

7

Year

1891

Date

13/09/1891

Files

Citation

“Lloyd's Weekly Newspaper (London, England), Sunday, September 13, 1891,” Victorian Meme Machine - Transcriptions, accessed April 21, 2018, http://victorianhumour.com/o/items/show/55.

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